PACE Refresher

What do we mean by PACE?

PACE is a way of thinking, feeling, communicating and behaving that aims to make a child or young person feel safe. PACE supports children who have experienced trauma to start to look at themselves and let others start to see them or get closer to them emotionally. 

PACE focuses on the whole child, not simply the behaviour. It helps children be more secure with their adults and reflect upon themselves, their thoughts, feelings and behaviour, supporting them in building the skills that are necessary for maintaining a successful and satisfying life. Through PACE, children discover that they are doing the best that they can and are not bad, sadly we know that children can internalise bad things that happen to them and feel it is all their fault. 

Let’s look at the different elements:

Playfulness

Not only play or playing – this means a light-hearted and relaxed, way of being together.  It means learning how to use a light tone with your voice, like you might use when storytelling, rather than an irritated or lecturing tone. It’s about having fun, and expressing a sense of joy. Playfulness helps you and your child feel connected and helps them experience fun and love. A playful stance adds elements of fun and enjoyment in day-to-day life and can also diffuse a difficult or tense situation. The child is less likely to respond with anger and defensiveness when the parent has a touch of playfulness in his or her discipline, when this is appropriate of course.  

Acceptance

This means accepting feelings not behaviour, all feelings are valid.  Acceptance means striving to understand the reasons why a child behaves as they do. These might be really complicated or muddled!  Unconditional acceptance is at the core of a child’s sense of safety.  Acceptance is about actively communicating to your child that you accept their wishes, feelings, thoughts, urges, motives and perceptions that are underneath the outward behaviour. It is about accepting, without judgment or evaluation, their inner life. A child’s inner life simply is; it is not right or wrong.  Accepting these feelings however, does not imply accepting behaviour, which may be hurtful or harmful to another person or to self. Limiting behaviour is an important way we support children, while at the same time accepting the motives for the behaviour.

Curiosity

This is not asking 'why?' or investigating, but wondering about what is going on underneath and understanding the meaning of the behaviour. Wondering with your child or about your child.  As curiosity is non-judgemental, this can help children to be open to how they, and other people, are thinking and feeling. Curiosity helps them stay open and engaged in conversations as you explore what is going on together.  As their understanding deepens, children can discover that their behaviour does not reflect something bad inside them, but rather a thought, feeling, perception, or motive that was stressful, frightening, or confusing and could only be expressed through their behaviour.  If children are able to understand and express their inner world to their adults, they may experience less defensiveness and shame, leading to less of the behaviour.

Empathy

Tuning into the feelings underneath your child’s behaviour and showing them that you understand by reflecting their feelings back to them in a curious and wondering way.  Empathy lets children feel their adult’s compassion for them. Being empathic means parents actively showing their child that their inner life is important to the parent and that they want to be with their child in hard times. Parents can demonstrate that they know how difficult an experience is for their child, telling their child that they will not have to deal with the distress alone. Through empathy, parents also communicate strength, love and commitment, with confidence that sharing the child’s distress will not be too much. Together they will get through it.

Why Pace?

PACE is not a strategy, but a way of being.  It is a habitual way of engaging with children, not a technique to turn on and off.

Through using PACE, parents will develop a greater understanding of their child’s experience, and, in turn, their child feels more understood.  

Children will not always respond right away.  They often resist the feeling of closeness that PACE brings.  It may feel too strange, not fitting their sense of who they are.  Use light-PACE at first, deepening over time so that they get used to being known and feel safe with this experience.