Jemma is a single adopter who had always wanted to be a mum. She wondered how she would do this on her own and had some real challenges along the way but is now the very proud parent of a fantastic little girl. Here is her story…
I was approaching 40, still single and bored of dating. My main focus was on wanting to become a mum and I could see the opportunity for this dwindling away. I didn’t have an overwhelming desire to carry a child; I just wanted to be a mum. Adoption felt like the right way to do that, so I booked onto an information event. To be honest, I expected to be put off because I’m not in a relationship, but it actually made me more sure that this was what I wanted and that I could do it on my own.
Once I felt confident about this, I knew that it was time to share my plans with my family and friends. I wasn’t sure if they’d think I could cope. All the other people I knew at the time were in couples. My own parents were very protective of me and were unsure about adoption because they knew it would be tough. There’s such a big lifestyle change and I had a life full of hobbies and interests that I’d have to reconsider as a single mum. To be honest, I think these challenges made me more determined. As part of the assessment process, my social worker visited my parents. This was a real turning point. I think it gave my parents a chance to ask all the questions that were worrying them and to really explore how they felt about it. And as soon as my daughter came home, they were totally smitten!
The most nerve-wracking part of the process for me was probably the first stage. I asked all sorts of questions of myself: Can I afford it? Is it ok that I rent my home? Will it matter that I have a cat? Will my weight be an issue? But, as the process went on, I became more reassured that this was the right thing for me and that I was in the right place to do this.
Stage two went well and I had a great social worker who got to know me really well. As a single adopter, I had been honest about my limits in relation to adopting a child with significant additional needs. I was open to lots of things, like looking after a child who had experienced sexual abuse, but I wanted to still be able to work so I couldn’t commit to parenting a child who would need full-time care. My social worker shared some children’s profiles. I’m really outdoorsy so always thought that I would be matched with an energetic boy but when I read my daughter’s profile I just knew. Something just felt right, like an instinct.
The transition meetings at the foster carer’s house went well. I can’t say that I felt an overwhelming sense of protection or an immediate bond at first. I think it’s important not to overanalyse that and to acknowledge that I didn’t know this little girl, so it took time. I do remember taking her to an early medical appointment and getting that feeling of needing to keep her safe. That just grows and now our bond is so strong.
The end of the transition and the early days of settling in were really challenging. Towards the end of transition, the foster carer became ill and the placement plans needed to move more quickly. I was in a flexible position at work so I felt that I could manage this change. I’m not a worrier and haven’t had really had any challenges in life before this; I’ve sort of happily coasted along. When the new, speedier plan started, something happened and I was having stomach issues that turned out to be anxiety. Part of me wondered if this wasn’t right. I chatted to medical professionals and to my social worker. She was amazing and advised me to take a break. In this time I slept, ate and rested and became very aware that I didn’t want this opportunity to be taken away. We looked at the matching plan and made some changes that would work better for me and my daughter.
A few weeks after my girl came home, I had anxiety attacks and felt poorly again. This is where my support network kicked in and made all the difference. It’s really important in the early days to keep your social network small for the new child, but, as a single adopter, it was also really important for me to be able to have contact with my mum. She would come to the house to chat to me and just be around. I did all of the caring for my daughter but mum was there to look after me in a very quiet and supportive way that was invaluable at the time.
My daughter was 11 months old when she moved in. She’s now 4 and has just started school. She struggled with this at first but we’re getting there and hoping to soon access some adoption support. I talk freely to her about adoption but she’s not quite at the stage where she fully understands what that means. I’ll just keep talking and answering her questions honestly.
Sometimes being a single adoptive parent feels overwhelming. We’ve moved house and started school. These two major transitions have been hard. I’m acknowledging this and reaching out. I make use of the walks that One Adoption do and I’ve made some great friends here. As a solo adopter, I need my support network. Different people within it have different roles. Some are practical and some are emotional but I need them all. Yes, 95% of every day I am parenting alone, but I need those people in the background if I’m ill or can’t be somewhere. And those people need to know my child.
As well as the challenges, there are some real positives to being a single adopter. I decide on the rules and the boundaries so there’s a real consistency in our family. We only have each other to think about and life can really revolve around making sure my daughter is happy. I like that I’m the sole decision maker and that we have that freedom to plan things or drop things and it doesn’t impact on anyone else. If she’s poorly I can be there for her and I don’t have to share her. There’s nothing missing in the equation.
As a family, we go on lots of walks together, we like bike riding and scooting - fresh air is an absolute necessity for us both. If it’s raining then we get our wellies on and go splashing. I still get to be active like I was before I became a mummy; I’ve just adapted to doing it differently with a little one.
I would encourage anybody to do this. My girl came to me at 11 months old, but there are still so many firsts and I cherish each one: the first time she rode her scooter, played in snow, went on train, plane and boat, gave me a cuddle, said ‘Mama’… it goes on and on. To see my daughter thriving in so many ways is wonderful.
If you’re thinking about adoption then I would say you’ve probably already decided it’s the right journey for you - you just need to go through the process for this to be reaffirmed and to feel ready for your little ones to join your family. Although I wouldn’t go through it all again (I’ve got my hands full with my little lady) it is still the best decision I made with the most incredible outcome.